No, I DON’T Want to Get High!?!

Can’t make this stuff up. Oh, and forgive the double-negative in the heading.

Let describe the scene: It is the dumpster enclosure, pictured above. Oversized with room for dumpster and cans of recyclables that are collected weekly.

I have discovered the remains of ‘picnic lunches’ eaten inside: Someone sat on the plastic milk crate and enjoyed a private meal of MacDonald’s take-out. They also left scattered on the ground ketchup packets, French fries and the bags the gourmet meal came in. Wow! The ambience they must have enjoyed.

And I suspect that sometimes people have hidden inside to escape from police.

But I digress:

A tenant called me, alerting me that there was a women sitting inside the dumpster enclosure. I flew down the stairs to investigate.

I passed one of our manly tenants (big guy) and said: “Please don’t move!”

In case I screamed, he would be a good backup.

I discovered behind the dumpster, in the alley between the buildings, three women sitting on the grass, shaded by the dumpster fence, a large transformer and an overgrown bush.

Not my first choice if I was looking for a shady nook to relax with my girlfriends: NEXT TO A DUMPSTER?! Were you guys raised by wolves?

Strange Lady, upon seeing me staring at them: “Oh, it was so hot on the beach, we thought we would cool off here.”

Me thinking: There’s a million billion gallons of nice cool salt water in that ocean, did you try that?

Strange Lady, reached out her pipe and asked: “Do you want a hit?”

It was a FRIGGING Hash Pipe.

Me: “NO! I don’t want to get high!” and stared at them.

At that, they calmly stood up and left.

WT heck?

So sorry I had not grab my cell phone on the way downstairs, local guys in blue could’ve used an easy bust and good laugh.

Big guy in parking was stunned, but had a good laugh.

Shared this story with everyone, including Facebook.

This is why I write this blog, we all need the laugh.

Prospective Tenants: A Bit Ballsy & a Tad Twitchy

‘Twas just after dinner, a pair of tenants knocked at the door and we waved them in. As they stepped forward, I spied a couple turning the corner on the stairs, looking through our door, then yank it open and boldly walked thru: without knocking or even attempting to look at me through the door as if to ask, “if it was ok to walk in.”
The first couple turned around, looked at them, looked at us: clearly, they didn’t know them. I stepped past them, blocked the rude couple and stated: “People KNOCK before just walking into my home.”
Rude Dude, without apology or explanation of why they just walked in stated: “We want to look at a model apartment.”
Me: “We don’t have any models or empties to show you, we are fully occupied.”
Rude Dude, with attitude stated: “Your sign outside says, ‘Vacancy.’ ”
Me, thinking: Oh you are such a lying idiot! I wrote, designed and ordered those signs on the side of the building! The word ‘VACANCY’ DOES NOT EXIST. The sign is a standard “For Rent” with the apartments’ description and contact information.
Me: “Excuse you, it says ‘For Rent’ and we do not have any vacancies. (nor EVER will have one for you two.)
Then I got a good look at them: Well dressed, uptown clothes, pressed, good haircuts; however, wife was a little disheveled and a bit twitchy.
Twitchy is exactly how crack-heads move, even when they are standing still. Sadly, I have seen a few over the years and they are NOT welcomed here.
I didn’t offer them an application, and firmly bid them farewell.
We all got a good look at their car, a late model Lincoln Towncar!? Are you Kidding ME?! They were looking for a summer rental, a room for the night or simply a place to get high?
The really great tenants that were standing in the living room when all this began, got a taste of some of the crazies that I deal with, and how quickly I weed out undesirable prospective neighbors. They did commend me and we had a good laugh. Whew!
Hey, these apartments are our homes and we all enjoy our little “Peace of Heaven” on the Jersey Shore. Big Smiles.

Murphy’s Law and the Domino Effect

Most women, when they learn that they will have the home to themselves for a few hours, don’t always dream of luxurious bubble baths, some of us think, “Great! I can get the cleaning done without anyone underfoot!"

I had hopes of not just vacuuming and straightening up, but of scrubbing the kitchen cabinets.

Exciting, I know!!

But, this is stuff that actually needs to be done every now and then, and it is easier to do with no one underfoot.

Murphy’s Law

Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong.

1. Emptied all the trash
2. Gathered up the bags
3. Stuffed them into the larger kitchen trash bag
4. Carried kitchen trash out the front door onto the deck

Domino Effect

• Crap! On the deck, oozing out from the trash bag, a large smelly pool of goo.
• Look back through front door…trail of goo on carpet, trail of goo on kitchen floor.
• Run to grab another trash bag to stuff first leaky bag into
• Fill a pitcher of water and suds, and grab a broom to wash goo off deck. Pray that NO ONE is walking under the deck boards as they will get an unwanted shower.
• Exam the trail thru living room and kitchen.
• Pull out carpet shampooer and floor steamer.

It was like slow moving dominos toppling: My easy morning slipped away and was replaced by some damn hard work! Unfair!

When shampooing a rug, you just can’t do one dirty section: the entire rug must be done. And the “Domino Effect” worked its way down the hall and into the bedroom.

Hours later, the place looked and smelled great, but as I was sitting in my clean kitchen, the kitchen cabinets were laughing at me and demanding, “When was their turn for a thorough cleaning?”

Ha! Not anytime soon.

Formidable Gladiator-Style Hub Caps

We drove into Manhattan a few weeks ago and we were working our way through the cross-streets to the East Side. Traffic was heavy, but moving.

Then I spotted these coming at me. By the time I grabbed the cell phone and flipped to camera, the truck had passed, but these rear-view shots are still impressive.

I gotta ask, Are Those Spikes Street Legal?!

Yikes! Worthy of Mel Gibson’s Mad Max movies or a Roman chariot race.

Just Some Funny Local Signs

In the spirit of ‘Deflategate,” the ridiculous scandal regarding The New England Patriots deliberately deflating their footballs to gain an unfair advantage on the playing field, Second Life Bike Shop in Asbury Park posted this sign. Good people, helpful, run a bike clinic for the local youth and donate bikes, plus they have repaired the handicapped walker quickly.

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In all fairness to WaWa, they simply placed a generic two-sided sign on their door. Problem is, this is strictly an Exit Only door: No handle to pull to go back in.

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The rest of the following signs have some strange typos, misspellings or punctuation that should never have slipped past the sign maker. So sad.

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This is from the Bradley Beach Police Dept foyer. The sign for the Ladies’ Room simply reads “Women.”

So why does the sign for the Men’s room read “Mens?”

You can have two or more Men, but you can never have two or more Mens.

Methinks: Men’s or just Men.

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I snapped this one while parking outside a local store. It’s a sleeper, you have to read all the words on the side of this donation bin.

Two booboos:

• Charitie is actually spelled Charity
• However, please explain the phrase,“And give to employees occupation.” First, the apostrophe is missing from 'employees,' but I beg for clarification, don’t your employees HAVE an occupation?

I’m confused.

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And my least favorite!

This perplexing sign stood forever on Main Street:

Why is there an apostrophe after “Git?”

It is NOT a contraction.

It is NOT denoting possession.

Of course, a woman standing inside a large piece of pottery, being fired up, was simply disturbing.